No more Grudges

So, Diwali is over now and so is the peak season in FMCD industry. But still I don't think that my Boss will be allowing me to take a sigh of relief. He has his own plans for me. Sometimes I feel like a prostitute who's not allowed to say no. For every F***, she has to say yes happily or unhappily. I went to my home for Diwali and I really enjoyed my stay since it was away from routine. But I had to come back on saturday morning as my boss wanted me to be in office. But, there was no work on saturday :( Today also, I was given an offer to come to office and finish my project presentation. But I preferred to stay home and finish it at here itself.
Well, cutting this crap, my state of mind is taking new twists and turns. Initially I was in a revengeful mood with all those who betrayed me. I wanted to talk to them and fight with them. But suddenly I'm changed. Now its no more about revenge. Its only about moving on. Recently I had a small text conversation with P who explained me that we can't be good friends and that's why she didn't want to stay in touch. On the other hand, G is busy and want to talk. But what I've started thinking is just their well being. I wanted them to be happy for rest of their lives. I even wanted to text this to P -"Khush raho Hamesha. Take very good care of urself". But then thought that people think in various ways. I don't have to remind some one that I have good thoughts for them or I care for them. I think there's no need to explain. Let there be some grey area to be predicted by others.

Tere ishq peeee mar jawa…

I’ve heard a lot about this movie called FASHION. But I didn’t watch it. But last week I and my friend went to some mall where this song was being sung by some professional singer. I really loved it and since that day it’s rocking my laptop and cellphone.  I don’t know why but I feel really sad when I hear this song. Sometimes it feels like crying. It feels like a boy is upset with his lover and she wants to make him realize what his love means to her. Mistakes happen by everyone but everyone should forgive them too.

Tere ishq peeee mar jawa…

And then suddenly I start thinking that what would happen if I’m in bad mood and my wife is very caring, lovable and sweet. I would try not to break her heart ever. I would never do that. I’ve done this a lot with PM during those 4 years. I sometimes regret but yes I’m not guilty. It’s like : Don’t regret for the people in your past. There’s a reason that they couldn’t make it to your future. Somewhere I feel it’s absolutely true.

I would definitely love her. I love movie 17 again and the scene when couple wants to get separated and boy tries one last time by saying I’m going through a bad mood. On this girl says “You’ve been in bad mood since last 20 yrs” and boy goes blank and also pitiful. I don’t want to create that situation. I don’t want to mess up things so much that she loses her trust from me.

I don’t know how much more I’ve to wait… :(

Mar jawaan, mar jawaan,
Tere ishq pe mar jawaan,
Mar jawaan, mar jawaan,
Tere ishq pe mar jawaan,
Bheege bheege sapno ka jaise khat hai,
Haii..
Geeli geeli chahat ki jaise lat hai,
Mar jawaan, mar jawaan,
Tere ishq pe mar jawaan,
Mar jawaan, mar jawaan,
Tere ishq pe mar jawaan…
Soche dil ki aisa kaash ho,
Tujhko ek nazar meri talash ho,
Jaise khwab hai ankhon mein basse meri,
Waise needon pe silvate pade teri,
Bheege bheege armaano ki rahad hai,
Haii
Geeli geeli khwahish bhi to behad hai,
Mar jawaan, mar jawaan,
Tere ishq pe mar jawaan,
Mar jawaan, mar jawaan,
Tere ishq pe mar jawaan..
mar jawaan..hoo…

I really don't know my feelings...

Right now I'm listening this very nice and emotional song #marjawa from Fashion. I feel like crying while listening to this song. Bu then I suddenly thought that there's no one whom I should miss. P, seriously no one. I really don't know about my feelings or emotions. While I go to bed, I might cry and I mean literally. But that's for sure I'm not missing PM. I mean I might remember her, but definitely can't cry for her. These tears might be for the one I haven't seen yet. Sometimes I have alot to say and alot to express. It's not like I'm dying if I don't express. But yes I feel that void. Like the days when I used to call P when I felt lonely in my troubled times. Same  has started again. Just now talked to him. He listens patiently as a best friend. I know he's a gem of a person. But I also prefer not to call him or disturb him so much because I'm strong and I can fight this loneliness. Moreover, he's busy with his career planning and I pray that he gets what he deserves- the best of all. He'll be gone next year. Bye my dear friend. You've always been there in my good and bad times. You've just acted as a true and best friend. I really don't think that there's any hope of us meeting once you're away. But God bless you and keeps you very close to him by showering lots of happiness, strength and peace.
Sometimes, I think goodness comes naturally to a person like him. Even if I try hard, I can't be so nice and good. I can be fake at times, but I can't be so good. May be I've seen in/out of this world alot.
Well, I also went to NSIT today. Actually my friend and flat mate D wanted to see  it. So, I took him and we rode all the way to Dwarka on my bike. When I reached NSIT I was full of nostalgia. Took my friend to BH-1 where I stayed during my 3rd and 4th year, recalled my tough times, went to old canteen and had 1 Maza(actually, under grad girls were there and I went to check them out :P), recalled my days at Lovers lane, saw GH and finally sat on admin stairs which I never liked while I was in NSIT. But today, I loved sitting there. Heard some of the girls saying blah blah about BH, BF etc. and suddenly realized that they are kids. We were also kids at that time and considered us as we were too grown up. At that time, life was just books, classes, hostel room, phone, friends, only 1 GF, etc. We cried alot when things were not going well with GF/BF and may have even spoiled weeks in case of break up.
But now I realize that life is much beyond all this, much beyond. I don't say I was foolish because everyone was like that. But I feel I was innocent unlike now where each time I have to trust a person, I think alot. At that time, I used to get restless if someone around me was sad or troubled or hurt. But today that has started missing. Today, I may not bother to hurt someone if he/she has done the same with me. I really want to go back with all same friends P,N, R, A, H, PM,V etc. I miss you guys. I really miss you alot.
But I know that today no one has time to listen my crap. Everyone is busy in their lives.
Yes, I'm feeling lonely. But where are you? Come, please hold me. please hug me when I'm full with past memories and emotions. please don't leave me alone. I know You will come one day and then will stay with me forever. But why can't that day come bit early. Why do I have to wait so much for you. I'm done with all this flirting and stuff. Now I really want you and I mean literally. I know I'm moody, I'm messy, I get restless and sometimes senseless, but still I want you to be by my side holding my hand. I promise I will never leave you and will never hurt you. I will always take care of you and love you like hell. I want you to put your head on my shoulder and trust me as your best friend when it's tough time for you.
Please come soon. I'm waiting...  :(